Counselling for relational trauma
What is relational trauma?
Relational trauma is what happens when people who are supposed to love and protect us, become a source of threat.
This doesn’t mean that there was one big event; it could be years of chronic, more subtle interactions, be this with parents, caregivers or intimate relationships in adulthood.
These experiences can overwhelm our ability to cope, and leave part of us feeling that relationships are in some way threatening, not completely safe. When this happens in childhood, we might take this template of experiences and expectations into our adult relationships, where it may echo or compound the patterns.
Examples in childhood could be where parents or caregivers were:
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emotionally unavailable, unpredictable, abusive or immature
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overwhelmed by life and caring responsibilities
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absent, neglectful or struggling with addiction or health issues
I don’t say this to blame or shame parents. I know first-hand that most parents are doing their best with the circumstances they find themselves in. But, equally, sometimes it is helpful to acknowledge that it may have had an impact on us.
It can be harder to name and pin down relational trauma because from the outside it might have looked as if everything was normal. There might have been enough money and food and no big arguments.
This can add to the guilt and shame about your feelings. You might find yourself thinking ‘Why do I find things so difficult?’, ‘What is wrong with me?’ or ‘I should be able to deal with this by myself.’
The Impact of Relational Trauma as a Child
The trouble is that underneath the ‘idyllic’ or ‘average’ seeming childhood or relationship, you might have been learning that people were unpredictable or unsafe.
Understandably you learnt a variety of strategies to cope with your circumstances. They helped you to stay connected to those around you and to feel okay about yourself and others.
You might have pushed down your feelings so you could just keep going. You became more independent so you didn’t need to rely on others. You might have become hyper-aware of what other people need or are feeling.
These strategies made complete sense at the time, but as we grow up and meet new people, they can also keep us at a distance from ourselves and others.
Is counselling with Anna right for you?
You’re struggling. Work is overwhelming, although you did bag that exciting sounding job. Relationships feel complicated; you don’t really feel there are people in your life who really have your back and you find it so difficult to ask for what you need.
If you’ve tried self-improvement podcasts, journalling, yoga and time blocking but nothing is really touching the sides and you’re wondering if maybe talking to someone might help.
You’re not just looking for quick fixes anymore. You really want to get to the bottom of what’s causing all of this, so you can make lasting change.
You’re looking for someone who really gets it. Who will not make you feel worse for not having the answers already. Who will be by your side as you make choices that will stop your old patterns from running the show.
You'd like to...
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Feel cared for and appreciated in relationships (without feeling pathetic for needing that…).
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Stop finding yourself questioning things you said or did today.
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Be able to tune in to what you want, so you can make decisions for you, not based on what others will think.
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Not be so hard on yourself when you make mistakes or need help.
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Feel fulfilled at work, but still be able to switch off and enjoy your weekend adventures.
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Find ways to slow down and enjoy life now, and not just wait for retirement.
If you’re nodding along thinking, yes this is what I want from life, then get in touch to arrange a free initial call.
My Approach
I understand many of the difficulties people face as rooted in earlier relational experiences.
We learn a great deal about how to be in the world through our relationships. They show us what is expected of us, what feels safe, and what we need to do to stay connected.
My approach is shaped by both professional training and personal experience.
I understand what it’s like to build a life that looks good on the outside, while feeling overwhelmed and disconnected underneath. It can be so confusing and frustrating when life feels so much harder than others seem to find it.
This informs how I work; with care, honesty, and respect for how difficult change can feel.
Clients often experience me as calm and steady. I aim to offer a space where you can bring what feels difficult, without pressure to rush or resolve things quickly.
At the same time, I will gently help you notice patterns that may be keeping you stuck and support you to begin making changes, at a pace that feels manageable.
Getting Started
Initial Contact
You’re welcome to get in touch by email or through the contact form on this website.
You don’t need to know exactly what to say; a few lines about what’s brought you here is enough.
Session timings
I offer counselling during the daytime on Tuesdays and Wednesdays as well as Wednesday evening. Sessions are 50 minutes.
Fees
£65 per session.
Payment can be made by bank transfer in advance, or in cash for in-person sessions.
If you're wondering whether this might be right for you, you're welcome to get in touch
