Why Women Can't Rest

Most women I work with say they don’t have time to rest – life is too busy. And often their lives ARE extremely full on. And at the same time there are times they catch themselves scrolling, watching TV or filling potentially spare time with things that don’t restore them.

Rest has not been handed down through the generations as a priority or a skill. We've lost touch with how much we need it, but, even worse, this difficulty resting is now the cultural norm – it’s a badge of honour to be so busy.

So how can we get things done AND find ways to rest? Sound like having your cake and eating it? In a way, yes. But equally it doesn't need to be another thing to add to your to do list. It can be interwoven into your day.

Rest feels stressful

Even when you’re totally exhausted and know you need to slow down, you use your spare 5 minutes to get ahead for tomorrow, or if you do sit down you feel uneasy as there are so many things to do. Or perhaps your mind starts to work even harder, replaying the day and berating yourself for all the things you didn’t quite do ‘right’.

The idea of taking a nap, or having some tech free time outside seems almost like a waste of time. Or maybe you don’t feel you’ve ‘earnt’ the rest yet.

Productivity tied to safety

If your mind speeds up or you feel anxious when you slow down, then there’s a good chance your nervous system is telling you that it’s not safe.

Historically to be accepted, valued and to avoid conflict, you may have learnt to keep your needs small and keep on doing, performing and achieving. This means that to do the opposite and prioritise your needs would have been risky back then and still makes you uneasy now.

Perhaps you had parents that kept busy from dawn till dusk or perhaps your parents wanted better for you than they had as children so they really pushed you to do well at school. Maybe your family situation left no space for your needs, so you learnt to push those needs down, including those for rest.

Rest an undervalued concept

In my work with women I see time and time again that the concept of rest is almost foreign. Their mothers didn’t have time for it, so it wasn’t handed down generationally. For example, I’ve witnessed women in my family viewing rest as shameful, as if to be worthy we need to be busy all the time.  As if we aren’t born deserving rest, instead we need to earn it.

So of course in today’s culture, rest is not valued. Productivity, achievement and external success however, are very much valued.

But when we keep going, keep on achieving and do not pay attention to our body’s need for rest, this is when burnout can make an appearance. Most people know this theoretically, but they seem to hope that they will be the exception, or that they’ll get some time at some date in the future to rest, after this project, after the kids go to school etc…

Different types of rest

It’s worth remembering though that rest can take many forms; it doesn’t have to mean sleeping or just sitting still. If this idea fills you with dread then you may need to ease yourself into resting more gently.

Rest can mean sensory rest – reducing light/sounds/smells (like turning the radio off in the car or not listening to a podcast on a walk).

Rest could mean having a break from holding it all together all the time. So having time when you’re not the one in charge, overriding your needs or emotions to get the job done. Could this be handing over the responsibility of monitoring sun cream or drinks for children in the heat (can you tell I’m writing this in a heatwave?!)? Or just having a chat with a good friend where you can rant (honestly) about your day.

And my favourite type of rest – social rest. Saying no to some of the events and trips. Possibly more for the introverts, but it’s a huge relief for me when I have a free weekend at home.

Rest as a skill

I often describe rest as a muscle to clients. Once you realise it’s weak, it’s not that your condemned to a life where you never feel rested. Like muscle, you can work on it to build its strength.

The first step is being aware of the baggage you carry around rest. What beliefs do you have about rest? What was modelled to you? Does this still serve you? It might have helped you to build a successful life, but you are unlikely to sustain it long term without the ability to rest and recover.

Next you’ll need to pay attention to what your body is telling you about energy levels and your need for rest. Building this awareness can take time as we are not always tuned in to our body’s signals, but with practice it can become automatic.

Then you need to experiment with different ways to rest. Put away your phone for an evening. A nap. A yoga class.

Then, crucially, you need to notice how these things feel. Do you end up feeling more stressed because you’ve not been productive? Do you procrastinate so there’s actually only 5 minutes left for you to rest (a sign you don’t value it or don’t think you deserve it). And take it from there. Rest can tell you a lot about yourself!

Rest in the therapy room

Of course this is something you could bring to therapy and in fact it’s something I have often talked

to clients about, especially those busy women who have learnt to override themselves and build a life that looks great from the outside. And rest does slowly begin to feel easier once you’ve managed to unpick the links between productivity, achievement, self-worth and safety in relationships.

And for the mums out there - do we want our children (especially our daughters) to feel like their self worth is directly proportionate to how much they achieve? Probably not. What is the best way to show them that? Set an example. Be the woman that values rest, who asks for help, who does not always have to be spinning nine plates.

So, what’s your relationship with rest? Do you need to justify it? Do you dread it? Could you broaden the definition to be more than just stillness? I’d love to hear your thoughts!